Mini Mulch Stories of a Very Ugly Dwarf
by Niffler and the Tortoise
Summary: Tales of Mulch in his younger, innocent cough years.
1. Chapter 1

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, well, below us actually, there lived a dwarf. A she dwarf. A very pretty she dwarf, as she dwarfs go, which isn't very far, if you think about it.

One day, she met a he dwarf. A very handsome he dwarf. (Anyone else getting a feeling of de ja vu here?)

But anyway, the very pretty she dwarf and the very handsome he dwarf fell in love, and had a very ugly baby he dwarf thing, to cut a long story short.

This _thing _was called Mulch. Only, he was sooooo ugly, his father (the very handsome he dwarf, in case you hadn't worked it out yet) abandoned the thing and his mother. The very pretty she dwarf was completely besotted with her newborn son, although this might be something to do with the fact that she lost her glasses.

Anyway, back to Mulch the thing dwarf. Mulch was a very innocent dwarf. For about 3 seconds that is, until he pocketed the midwife's watch. Well, at that point, he didn't actually have any pockets, but you'd be amazed what he could fit in his mouth.

So this is the story of how Mulch lost his innocence.

Written by Niffler & Tortoise on a high.


	2. Chapter 2

After a couple of years, the very pretty she dwarf still hadn't abandoned her son, or found her glasses. Mulch was growing fast, for a dwarf that is, about 2cm a year, and was learning many important skills, such as: how to steal watches when you shake people's hand, how to palm access cards, and other things of the sort.

His first run in with the LEP was when he was four.

It all started when he attempted to pick the pocket of a very disgruntled looking, red-faced shop assistant, smoking a large cigar. Unfortunately for young Mulch, this just happened to be his future forced friend and nemesis, Corporal Julius Root.

As you can imagine, this first meeting didn't go off too well.

Without going into the details of the incident, Root was quickly deprived of his wallet, followed by his watch, when Mulch apologised profoundly for bumping into him by shaking the officer's hand. Of course, the fact that his hand just happened to get inside Root's pocket was none of his fault, and had nothing to do with the fact that the very pretty she dwarf was called later that day to the local LEP station, to retrieve her four year old son, who had just become the youngest criminal offender in Haven's history.


	3. Chapter 5 3 sire 3!

The tortoise was feeling extremely speedy today, and was working overtime, so, to apologise for the long gap between updates, Niffler and Tortoise present to you….

The second chapter in one day! (well, it was when we wrote it...)

We shall skip a bit of history now, though we may return later, and we arrive at some of Mulch's most eventful years; the teenage ones.

By seven, Mulch had already perfected the art of minor home robbery, and by 10 he had committed his first commercial burglary, (the local corner shop.)

At 13, Mulch had made his criminal record longer by 10 pages, and was about to embark on his most daring feat yet, his first museum robbery.

For the last month, Mulch had had his eye on a particular piece; the priceless Fei Fei tiara. He had been planning the break in since then.

The night of the break in came at the right time; as in it was night time rather than day time, as its rather hard not to get spotted during the day. It also came on the night it was expected to, as few days get deleted or skipped without warning. In fact, none do. There's still 365 days in a year. (It says so on my calendar. I think we'd have noticed if we hadn't crossed a day off…. Hang on a minute, why isn't that one? eeek!)

Anyway, back to Mulch and his planned robbery.

It had taken Mulch a month to plan his extravagant break in. (I need the toilet…………………………………………….Where is the toilet?... ... Where ever you left it……………………………………………… no its not!... yes it is……………………………………………………………………………………... I'm telling you its not there……………….its gone missing………………………………. First days, now toilets, whatever next?...hang on…. Where'd the computer go?...


	4. Chapter 4

Anyway, after a daring adventure to find our computer (and the toilet) from the monsters of ibbidibob, we return to give you…..the next chapter of mini Mulch!

* * *

We pick up from where we left off, the night of the break in came on the night it was expected to. It had taken Mulch a month to plan his extravagant feat, which included

a 10 foot dragon,

a lawnmower

16 paintbrushes

1 very annoying baby pixie

oh, and a catapult.

Unfortunately, upon rereading this plan, Mulch noticed some key flaws in this idea. Namely:

how would a 10foot dragon get through a drainpipe

where to find a 10 foot dragon in the first place

how not to get eaten by afore mentioned 10 foot dragon

where to find 16 paintbrushes (which are very rare in haven, and would require another museum break in, requiring the above list of items, so to acquire them, we are bought back to his current predicament of where to find 16 paintbrushes.)

What purpose does a lawnmower have in this scheme anyway?

Anyway, after closer examination of his plan, he scraped it, in favour of a slightly more plausible idea. 16 attempts later, he came up with one that might (emphasis on _might)_ work.

We could tell you the details of this latest plan, but we can't be bothered. Anyway, on the night of said break in, everything went to plan. Mulch scaled the 16 story museum using the wrong trousers, climbed through a pipe on the roof which we don't know the name for, and stomped across the ceiling, hanging upside down (any resemblance to Wallace and Gromit: the Wrong Trousers, is purely coincidental, and was not planned at all.)

Then, using a fancy gadget in the helmet he just happened to be wearing, he grabbed the Fei Fei tiara (yay!) and proceeded to exit the building according to plan.

Once outside, he removed his gear and casually, inconspicuously, began to walk back to his house. Unfortunately, being Mulch, he forgot to look where he was going. This may partly be because he inherited his mother's faulty eyesight, or may just be because he was being Mulch.

Anyway, (it's that word again, we're trying to break a record of how many times we can put the word anyway into a chapter), Mulch, not paying attention, just happened to run straight into the arms of Captain Julius Root, who, being very annoyed at, well, nothing, he's Julius root remember, he doesn't need a reason to be annoyed, of course, promptly nicked him.

This tells the story of Mulch's first attempt to steal the infamous Fei Fei Tiara, (for information about Mulch's future attempt, see Artemis Fowl: The Seventh Dwarf.), and his second run in with Julius Root.

* * *

A/N: We do not own Wallace and Gromit, never have and unfortunately probably never will, and we don't own Artemis Fowl either, in case you haven't guessed, although it would be fun if we did. Anyway, this is also the longest chapter we've ever written (go us!) and will probably be the longest chapter we ever do. It's hard to get tortoise's to concentrate, they have a habit of falling asleep, especially in physics lessons, although we're now very good at getting out of trouble for it. Ya know, if we carry on like this, the authors notes are gonna be longer than the rest of the chapter. Wouldn't that be ironic. Our longest chapter is outlongered by authors notes… 


	5. Chapter 5

Being as its our fifth chapter (sorry, the tortoise was in hibernation over the winter and only just woke up after a healthy dose of chocolate) we have decided that we are quite hopeless at being authors, but its rather fun to try anyway, and hasn't stooped us yet. And probably never will. Sorry.

* * *

Mulch was bored. And hungry. As usual. So he decided to go for a swim. Now, this is slightly more interesting underground, mainly because there are limited amounts of underground lakes. Well actually, there are rather a lot of underground lakes, but the mud people have invaded them and filled them with baked beans. But that's another story. (Niffler, make note, future story : the mud people and the baked bean experiment.)

Anyway, Mulch went on a grand expedition to the local swimming pond.

Now is the time for us to introduce our latest victim in this twisted tale. Skittles, being sound of body and mind (well almost) was a rather confused creature. After all, what would you expect from the world's first amphibious llama. He was happily minding his own business, paddling around, here, there, over there again, round in a circle a few times,( it makes nice ripples), when across the lake he catches sight of a being so breathtakingly ugly he held his breath. And then threw up.

Now for Mulch, the sight of an amphibious llama throwing up in the pond he was about to swim in was not very pleasant, but then again, neither was he. He jumped in anyway, well dive bombed, which is against the rules of any swimming pool we have ever been to, but then again, this is a pond, and this is Mulch, with the longest criminal record in history. You don't get a record that long by following pond rules. And besides, the lifepixie had its back turned.

"Who is that?" commented a rather disgruntled llama at his personal space being invaded by a very smelly ugly dwarf. The fact that he was remarking this to no one in particular escaped his mind, but it is of no importance anyway, so I don't know why I bother to say it (Oh God I'm so depressed). Moving on, rather handily, a passing fish heard this comment to no one, and promptly swam off in the opposite direction with a rather scared expression on its fishy face. His friend however, knew exactly who it was, having been involved in one of the schemes involving the local corner shop, although his lawyer has advised him not to comment on it.

"That," he said informatively in a rather gruff fishy voice "is none other than Haven's number one junior offender Mulchimus Diggumus, otherwise known as Mini Mulch. Never before has anything so vile breached these waters. Although rumour has it, he's looking for a side-kick. Take my advice, start swimming now and don't look back."

Skittles, being a very obedient amphibious llama, did exactly as he was told, unfortunately, he hadn't quite grasped the fish's intentions, and swam straight towards Mulch…..

* * *

Well. I think a congratulations is in order. We finished one chapter, and set ourselves up perfectly for the next. Maybe we're not quite so bad at this as we thought. Apologies to person who advised us not to put in so many author's notes. We did try, but when you are co-writing with a rather gobby tortoise, life is very difficult anyway, and I really don't need any more hassle than is absolutely necessary. She tries to cram in all the words she misses out on during the winter into the story. Sorry. 


End file.
